Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday

So-I'm stuck at home tonight because my car was struck by another car earlier this week while I was stopped at a stop sign in rush our traffic. The experience was upsetting and painful. But, my car looks like dirt-nothing like a trashy looking phone cord to tie your trunk shut at the Holidays.

I'm missing class and my final for a graduate program. Luckily, the teacher is okay with me turning in the final early and missing the class. The downtime has allowed me to think. And what I think of is how much I hate the Holidays. Christmas is one of the most likeable Holidays ever. I love saying 'Merry Christmas' to people. Holiday parties, singing songs, going to church, snow, dressing my dog up in costumes, and food, food, food.

But the fact is-Christmas is about love and reconciliation. It's about having good relationships with the people you value. And it's about Peace on Earth and good will to all. And I don't feel good will towards all-I feel annoyed by ridiculously happy people. I feel overtaxed by the cost of gifts. I feel exasperated by making gifts. And I can't get to all the parties I want to go to and I'm not even solidly booked every day with parties.

I think the biggest reason Christmas is so hard is because it commands joy whether you have joy or not. And the most joy I have felt this season is from the way my life no longer is and the sadness I feel is from realizing the way my life will not ever be...I have 24 years of horrible Christmas' behind me. Too many bad memories and nothing good to make me enjoy the season when I look back.

I enjoy the little things that I like-that I think anyone would like any time of year. But, the decorations, the excitement, and the pressure to fake liking my family and liking Christmas only serve to make me feel less happy. Occasionally, I am happy because I think about nothing but this year and this moment.

But Christmas isn't just about me, it's about harmony, it's about forgivness and being giving to others. Ads, churches, friends, and even partygoers make donations to the poor at shelters in the city. What if the poor are my own family?

The very people who have provided me with so many bad holidays and so many bad memories are now the people who need me to be generous with them. I know I'm not the only person in this city to feel this way. There are rooms of them trying to decide where they will go for the Holidays and who they will spend time with during their vacation.

I like that the House closes this week and that the Senate will be done next week by Tuesday. It gives me a feeling that people are taking a time out from the world. I listened to Senator Coburn today speak about his relationships to people in Congress. He said Barney Frank was the easiest person for him to relate to from the House. It is because Rep. Frank (D-MA) is so honest about what he thinks and tells you.

I've wondered how many times this kind of mantra would have made my home life better. Except that no one in my family can deal with too much brutal truth. Luckily none of us are fat cat beaurocrats either. So, we can live if I don't tell them everything I think and we're happier for it.

But, that doesn't help me like the season. It's full of problems and I think it's mostly that the general culture has such high expectations for money spent, time wasted, and attitudes. The truth is the Holidays are hard because they are costly and require work both physically, materially, and emotionally. I'm jealous of people who have a good family without addicts, ragers, liars, or jerks. And I wish I could tell people who have a good family that they should appreciate that-but, when I talk to my friens and co-workers I don't know many people who have that...I think it's a rare gift. One that is idealized in 'It's a Wonderful Life' the movie with Jimmy Stewart that annoyed me as a child. I got sick of listening to the man who had a good family and reasonable life have to be run through all the things he had that he did not appreciate.

And I think that Christmas is too much about delineating what we do not have at this time. I think anyone who can appreciate this time of year is lucky. I find it to be a hard troubling time of year that doesn't show signs of getting better.

So, I know this isn't much of a commentary on the media. But, it's the best I can give and besides the media isn't trying very hard anymore either for the next two weeks. The Iraq election went off without a hitch, Brittney Spears is getting divorced, Nick and Jessica are getting divorced (called that two years ago!), and the President's poll numbers are increasing...at least I can always forget this season and read the news papers. :)